I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
