Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
