i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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