The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
