Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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