I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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