Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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