Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
