my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
