are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
