I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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