ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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