I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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