stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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