her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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