you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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