my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
