i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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