I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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