the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
