I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
