he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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