ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize