Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
