I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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