i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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