its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
