I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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