He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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