My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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