I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize