Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
