god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
