my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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