Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
