Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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