If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
