I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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