Hey man sorry I got all grabby
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
