why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
