i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
