Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
