I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
