Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
