Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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