just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
