my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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