I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
