Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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