I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
