If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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