My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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