Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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