the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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