i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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