i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
