so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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