my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
