Umm I'm too high to move.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
