last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
